Ex family bereavement

[mogster]

My ex sister in law has died after a long battle with the big C. Just wondered how others have dealt with similar situations.

She is being cremated tomorrow & one of my daughters is going (the other is in Thailand.
I have no wish to go to service & am working anyway, but don't know whether I should make contact.

Divorce was bitter (his trangression) & I am estranged from his family, but I was brought up to do the decent thing.

Don't know if sending cards would be the right thing to do or seen as stirring it.

What do you guys think?
Obviously Iam supporting my daughters but don't want to cause more upset.

Probably damned if I do & damned if I don't!

[jstark47]

In my book, a gracious handwritten note of condolence is always in good taste. Also, I don't know if this is common in the UK, but in the USA there's often a charity identified for memorial contributions in lieu of flowers - a gift to the charity is also always in good form.

Be dignified, mild, high-minded, and gracious. If there's bitterness, let it be among others.

[Wrider]

Well are you still in contact with them? If not then I wouldn't do anything as your brother was the source of some family trouble, if so, I'd send an honest handwritten note.

[Thumper]

It's never wrong to offer condolences. A card or donation to a cancer charity in her name would be a nice thing to do, no matter how they feel about your brother. It's always better to err on the side of compassion.

[sv-wolf]

Just wondering what I would do.

I'm not sure whether we are talking about your brother's ex-wife or your ex-husband's sister. Either way, it sounds like your daughters are old enough to make their own decisions. I guess you will want to be sensitive to their feelings but won't necessarily need to act on their behalf. If, in those circumstances, you can write a brief note and really mean it, then I think that would be a good thing to do. But if you are only doing it because you think you ought to, then I'd be inclined to do nothing. I guess, from what you say, that if you choose not to write, it won't make things any worse than they are already.

If you do write and your condolences are genuine, you will know that and your letter can't rebound on you. If it is misinterpreted, you will be clear that the responsibility is theirs and not yours. When you can't reliably second guess other people's reactions, all you can do is act honestly. If you write a dishonest letter and it stirs up trouble, then you are on messy ground.

Hope it works out, whatever you do.

Cheers

Richard

[mogster]

Thanx guys fot the advice ~ I really appreciate you taking the time to post your thoughts.

Just to clarify the deceased is the sister of my ex husband.

Today thru the wonders of the tinternet I was able to suggest that myself + 2 daughters commune across geographical divides. So daughter 1 was at humanist cremation service, daughter 2 was at a Buddist temple in Thailand & I went to hospital chapel, all at the relevant time.

I think that Richard has hit the nail on the head with his comments re honesty V obligation. I will write a sincere note of condolence to her husband & my ex nephews. I will however leave it a few days so as to not impose on the immediate situation.

On a happier note going to visit daughter 1 tomorrow on our bikes, give her a big hug & have a lovely ride out with my man!

Thanx again.