Separation/Divorce

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madjak30
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Separation/Divorce

#1 Unread post by madjak30 » Tue May 21, 2013 3:51 pm

I got home last night all excited to see the wife & kids...especially the wife after two weeks away.

We've been working on our marriage pretty hard for the last 9 months, trying to repair the trench between us. Quite a few years of growing apart with different interests & the only real common thread being the kids.

I've been feeling like we were at a stale mate lately, but was sure we could eventually come out the other end...but when I got home last night she said we needed to go for a walk. I knew right then & there what the "topic" would be...with tears streaming down her cheeks she said that she thought it was best for us to separate. I knew it was coming, but hearing it really blasted me...I still love my wife, but she wasn't feeling the spark anymore and said she felt numb when it came to feelings about me...and even with me trying for most of the year, she said her feelings weren't changing and she basically was calling it quits.

So, here I sit on the saddest day of my life, mourning the loss of my beloved partner who is standing right in front of me...talk about hard to take.

Now we have to come up with a way to tell the kids, because they will figure it out...since my kissing and touching is no longer welcome. :cry:

So, needless to say...there will be no scooter, or having her ride with me...feels like part of my heart has been ripped out. :bye:

Anyway, I just had to get it off my chest.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Later.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#2 Unread post by NorthernPete » Tue May 21, 2013 4:19 pm

Sorry to hear about it. Sometimes some time apart can help. Just make sure you talk to a lawyer ASAP. Protect yourself and become aware of what is going on.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#3 Unread post by Wrider » Tue May 21, 2013 9:07 pm

I'm sorry bud. I really am.

Coming from someone who has been in the kids' perspective. Just be honest with them. Be open with them. You may think they don't understand, but they understand a lot better than you think. Make sure they know it's because of your differences, and NOT because of them. Then don't badmouth the other parent. Again, don't badmouth each other to the kids. You have no idea how that makes kids feel. We're part mom and part dad, and when one badmouths the other, we feel that that part of us is bad. Trust me, I still have self esteem issues due to that at 26 years old.

And like Pete said, get a lawyer.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#4 Unread post by madjak30 » Tue May 21, 2013 10:34 pm

The good thing is there is no hard feelings, just lack of that special connection...we're still friends. It seems weird to me, but it is definitely better for the kids...no bad feelings should mean, no bad talk either.

Thanks for the well wishes & we are going to an arbitrator to work out the details (finances & stuff)...I'd rather avoid a court if we can. If she gets a lawyer, I'll stop proceedings and retain one for myself. Shouldn't go there (I hope)

I agree with telling the kids the whole truth...my twins just turned 11 yesterday (so we are waiting to tell them until I come home from my next shift...no association to their birthday) and our oldest is 14...they will understand what we are saying, even if they don't fully understand why we can't just stay the way we are...

We are still moving to Airdrie (city just over an hour south) and buying another house, but it is the house for the kids...when I come home, I will be at the house and my wife will go elsewhere for the few days...then when I go back to work, she will be back in the house...best for the kids, even if I have to sleep on a cot in the basement...I can suck it up for a few years.

Dating will be the tricky part for me being that I'm only home for 6 nights, the rest are her's and she will have those 6 with no other responsibilities (it will break my heart when that starts happening)...but I will cross that bridge when I get there...

Later.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#5 Unread post by blues2cruise » Tue May 21, 2013 11:44 pm

Sorry to hear this. Separations are always hard. The one thing you can do for your kids is to make sure they know that the separation has nothing to do with them.

Sometimes kids blame themselves. They need to hear that you both love them with all your hearts.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#6 Unread post by sapaul » Wed May 22, 2013 2:15 am

Really sorry mate, I hope all goes well for you.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#7 Unread post by madjak30 » Wed May 22, 2013 10:59 am

Thank you again.
Our first priority is the kids and disrupting life for them a little as possible...we have just grown apart, no hard feelings but no romantic ones either...so we thought it would be best if we separate as friends and not wait for the arguing & resentment to start.

@sapaul, this is why I had to reneg on my offer for your trip here...things were up in the air back then & obviously are even more so now.

I just have to get used to the fact that there is no reconciliation coming, so it's time to move on. I made my mistakes (her too) and I have to live with the consequences...life is nothing if not ever changing!!

On the positive front...more bike trips are in my future! (gotta try to see the good, right?)

Later.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#8 Unread post by sapaul » Thu May 23, 2013 2:16 am

Not everyone was meant to stay together their whole lives, and I agree the kids are a priority. I come from a broken home, yet have been married now for 34 years, so that old syndrome is not always true.

As long as the kids grow up knowing that the decisions you make are best for everyone and you can continue relationships without anger and animosity, then you should be fine. Life is a journey with many paths and choices. I am not going to wish you luck, but I will hope that you make the right decisions and treasure what you have.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#9 Unread post by totalmotorcycle » Thu May 23, 2013 5:27 pm

Awwww.. I'm so, so sorry to hear. :sorry: I am glad to have an open ear and an open heart to you and your situation as I don't know what I'd do myself (as well) if I lost Andrea's love.

We are all here to help you out as you need it. :flowers:

Remember that things may get rainy once in a while but the sun will always come back out again if given time.

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Re: Separation/Divorce

#10 Unread post by NorthernPete » Thu May 23, 2013 6:03 pm

Joint housing after separation? Hmmmm. Talk to a lawyer before doing something like that.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#11 Unread post by dr_bar » Sat May 25, 2013 5:08 pm

Been there done that and for the same reasons as well. Had an amicable divorce and all went fine until she remarried. I believe all the problems that cropped up were due to him though. Toughest part was my youngest daughter, she didn't really understand and always blamed me for the break up. She wasn't quite 9 when it happened and it took until her mid 20's before we reconciled. So my advice is be clear on a few points;
1: This is a joint decision and not just Dads or Moms.
2: Let them know you've both tried everything to make things better and it's not working, (whether it's true or not.)
3: That you both love them with all your heart and that no matter what happens in the future, you will always be their Dad and she will always be their Mom.
4: Get your wife to agree that buying "special" gifts to placate broken little hearts is a bad idea. This ends up in a competition as to who buys the best equating into who loves the best.
5: Don't share details with children, but don't keep them in the dark either. Find a balance and both you and your ex should agree on what's to be said.

In regards to using the house while in town and displacing mom... I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it will have two positive effects though;
1: Less disruption of the kids lives due to spending time with their two parents, no travelling to another home or packing bags every weekend.
2: You'll be able to save up some money for a place of your own at a later date. Remember to start squirrelling away money into an account that is difficult to access, that way you'll not be tempted to tap into it for everyday expenses...

Best wishes to you, your children and to your wife, who will be shouldering the brunt of dealing with the children while you're away.

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Re: Separation/Divorce

#12 Unread post by madjak30 » Wed May 29, 2013 12:18 am

Well, we got the housing issue corrected. I'm going to get a place to rent nearby, and will be there with the kids after school until bed. We are still working out all the details, but this way at least I have my own space not just using my kids bed or the couch...her bed was not an option for me. This way, the kids are not being shuffled around and my ex doesn't have to leave for a week. She can sleep in her own bed, I can have my own bed & a place to call my own...otherwise I felt like I was homeless...

We went to a mediator on Monday and it went well, mostly what I expected...but some good info. We have to be legally separated for a year & take a PAS course (Parenting After Separation) within that year to be eligible for divorce proceedings.

Anyway, hope no one else has to go through this...but if you do, the mediator is much more civil...no he said, she said junk...just the facts and a focus on the kids. I like it. Well...not really, but it is the best way if you have to go through it.

Thanks for the words of support. Life will go on and we will survive as a family, even if we don't all live together.

Later.
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#13 Unread post by sapaul » Wed May 29, 2013 1:40 am

Great attitude, yes it will be tough, but there is no reason why you still cannot be a family
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#14 Unread post by dr_bar » Wed May 29, 2013 4:45 am

Never heard of PAS before, great idea...
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Re: Separation/Divorce

#15 Unread post by High_Side » Wed May 29, 2013 7:03 am

Sorry to hear about this but it sounds like you and your wife are handling this better than just about anyone I have heard of previously. I wish you luck, and hopefully the arrangement that you have come up with will work well for all involved - especially your kids.

Hang in there....

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Re: Separation/Divorce

#16 Unread post by blues2cruise » Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:55 pm

How are you doing now?
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