Motorcycles, Life and Fast Talkers

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CaptCrashIdaho
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Motorcycles, Life and Fast Talkers

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Motorcycles, Life & Fast Talkers by Capt Crash

Ever find yourself in the break room at work, fridge door open, trying to decide whose lunch to steal and start listening to the conversations around you? You’ll hear weird stuff. People talk about everything from how to cure foot odor to how to fool your insurance agent (What? Did I leave the RR off that CBR1000 application? Oopsie!)

One thing I hate is listening to that guy who’s reeeeeeeally good at something. He’ll be telling his “I’m a righteous golfer” story—the one where he outdrives John Daly or chips on better than Tiger Woods and you’ll be listening, thinking “I should call BS on that one” and before you can he’s running his mouth about how in High School he was ‘a contender’ but was knocked down by Mono the week of the qualifier…got it from the girl who was almost Miss Teen California by the way, she was totally into him, like crazy stalker girl into him…blah Blah BLAH.

Hate that guy. I always want to hand them a club and say: “PUT UP OR SHUT UP”. Guys like that spend a lot of time trying to convince us of how good they are. Ever wonder why that is? I have a theory: they’re trying to convince themselves. Deep down they understand that they’re just a decent weekend hack and it bothers them. They want to be more so they start convincing themselves that they are. Suddenly that mediocre high school golf career becomes the glory that almost was. Remember that time on the back nine at the public course when you hit that long putt? For these kinds of guys that putt, instead of being a one off, becomes a mental daily occurrence. They relive it soooo much that it becomes common in their heads and presto, every hole was that way.

Deep down something nags at them—oh wait—the TRUTH nags at them and they suppress it by telling their story over and over, embellishing it, polishing it, creating mirrors and shadows that create an army of hot golfing goodness. To borrow a 7th grade cliché: they become legends in their own minds.

We got those guys in Motorcycling too. Down at the shop they’ll tell you how fast they are. How they rip it up on their bike—“sometimes I can only stretch that GP A tire 4000 miles before it’s toast”, “I was down at Palomar and slapped a wicked pass on this slow Yamaha, turns out it was Jamie Hacking out with Jay Leno”, “I was gonna club race but those guys are so slow it’s dangerous…”

You know that guy. There’s one at the bar, or the shop, or at the turn out. You’ve met him AND, if you’re a knucklehead, you’ve gone riding with him. How’d that turn out by the way? Ambulance? Tow Truck? Stupid story about how the bike’s not working right?

The problem with asking someone to “put up” is that in lots of situations it’s amusing to watch. In others it’s just plain dangerous. Take our fast talkin’ golfer for example. You’re headfirst in the fridge; you find a good looking pastrami sandwich so you’re feeling your oats, so you pull your head out and say something like: “Dude, we should hit the links sometime. What are you doing Saturday?” IF, and that’s a big IF, if the guy is smart he’ll make some excuse. IF he isn’t he’ll take you up on your offer. Then on the course you’ll be treated to hours of good fun with excuses like:

“These aren’t my clubs, mine are in getting resurfaced…” or “usually I play with a balata but my girl gave me these crappy balls for Christmas…” or “I pulled a groin the other day, just ain’t all here…” hack, slice, splash. You hear a lot of new and exciting excuses which is fine and fun because very, very rarely are people killed on the golf course because of another golfer’s ineptitude. (I would say NEVER but there’s got to be an exception to every rule…)

Motorcycles on the other hand are an entirely different issue. When you invite a fast talker on a ride you’re entering a space where 500 pound motorcycles are moving at 75 to 150 feet PER SECOND and if one guy screws up he can take everyone with him.

I mean honestly—where’s the danger in golfing? Standing inside the arc of someone else’s swing? “Well, you see, I was trying to see what kind of ball he was playin’ so I leaned in and WHAM he swung—I never saw it coming. Lost 7 teeth and my sense of smell.”

Conversely an overconfident motorcyclist who’s in over their head can spear you from behind or lowside into you while they’re pulling a bone head pass. They can smear themselves down a guardrail OR kill a family in a minivan head on. There’s just way too much bad that can happen when you give someone the “put up or shut up” when it comes to bikes. If someone is spending all their time telling you how fast they are—stay away from them. Going for a ride with them only means you’re placing yourself in a situation where they can prove their incompetence and kill you at the same time.

Back where I come from we had a saying: “If someone spends all their time telling you how fast they are? They aren’t.” The trick is to let them be fast in the parking lot and stay away from them in the twisties. It’s just easier to let someone prattle on than it is to try and put the pieces back together once they’ve proved themselves stupid.

There is a flip side to this whole thing. Remember the “for every action, an equal and opposite reaction?” Yea, the guys who never talk about how fast they are? You know that guy—his bike was a little worn but mechanically sound? He wasn’t as fashionable as most? He never talked about makin’ that crazy "O Ring" pass on that SUV? Remember him?

Dude WAS fast wasn’t he? Smooth too. Don’t get suckered in, let the fast talkers talk—ignore them, let it go; anyone who has to spend their time convincing themselves of how good they is probably a danger to be running with. Look for that guy who just likes to talk bikes, he’s the guy who can probably teach us something.

Did I mention what a great writer I am? Yeah, they asked me to move to Idaho because Hemingway used to hang out here and they could use a little literary shot in the arm…Ever been to bullfight? Blah, blah, blah….

Be safe!

Videos at: www.youtube.com/CaptCrashIdaho
I meant to do that.

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