Ducati 999R Review - Hilarious!

[Gatineau_Guy]

Copyright 2004 Los Angeles Times
All Rights Reserved
Los Angeles Times

November 3, 2004 Wednesday
Home Edition

SECTION: HIGHWAY 1; Features Desk; Part G; Pg. 1

LENGTH: 1446 words

HEADLINE: RUMBLE SEAT;
A touch of evil (and Evel);
Ducati's 999R, a hyper-fast race bike for the street, has designs on your soul.

BYLINE: DAN NEIL

BODY:


If you enjoy the wide-open freedom of a motorcycle, the wind in your face, the carefree, horizon-chasing moment, then by all means avoid the 2005 Ducati 999R.

This thing is misery on two wheels, a wickedly disposed and temperamental exercise of sheer mechanical narcissism upon which you assume a posture like it's flashlight inspection day in prison. Its 150-hp V-twin motor runs on damned souls and is lubricated with the fat of unbaptized children. All this bike wants to do, all it dreams about at night, is catapulting you over the handlebars or pitching you backward onto the streaming concrete so you make one of those slo-mo, Evel-Knievel-at-Ceasars-Palace death rolls in your fancy Italian riding leathers.

So plan your day accordingly: After riding this bike, you will need some time to unwind. Go for a Polynesian fire walk, perhaps. Play some "Deer Hunter" roulette. Or, if so equipped, have a vasectomy.

The 999R is one of a mutant species of vehicles built to meet the production-based rules of a racing series, a process called homologation. The American Superbike Championship requires that competing bikes must be largely based on series-production motorcycles. In order to make the Ducatis more competitive, the company has built a limited number (500) of 999Rs, which are, in fact, pitifully disguised racing superbikes with just enough street-legal spit on them to pass DMV inspection. The badge on the carbon-fiber fender is that of the factory racing operation, Ducati Corse.

Made of steel, titanium, carbon fiber and sadism, the 999R is as close as you are going to get to a grand prix motorcycle, and unless you are a fantastic rider with years of experience, you don't want to get that close. This bike will beat you down like you said something bad about its mother.

Look for my name in the annals of motorcycle glory. You won't find it. I am a competent but by no means expert rider. I accept this. Call me a wimp, a weenie, a wuss, if you are inclined to excessive alliteration. But this bike scares the pudding out of me.

So, there I was on Sunset Boulevard, puttering along in first gear with about 1,500 rpm showing on the tach, hunched over the handlebars. My sunglasses slipped down my nose.

When I took my right hand off the accelerator, there was the briefest moment of adhesion between my palm and the gummy rubber grip -- just enough to goose the throttle slightly. The bike jumped like it had been poked with a cattle prod. Baaaa-WHAAAYH! The force of the acceleration whip-lashed my helmeted head, wrenching my neck.

This was the first sunglasses-adjustment injury I have sustained.

One sunny Sunday morning, I got up early, determined to take the bike for a proper stretch of the legs. Velcro'ed and zippered into my motorcycle fetish leather, I pointed it down the 210 West and wrung the throttle, working up through the gears yet shifting well short of the bike's howling 11,000-rpm redline. In the 20 seconds or so that it took me to reach fifth gear, the speedometer read ... well, I'm not going to tell you what the speedo read.

The point is, the bike was just waking up, just beginning to shake its strange, low-speed awkwardness. The super-stiff springs and shocks, which burr and tremble on the patched concrete around town, went all velvety; the aero cowling, useless at 60 mph, threw the jet stream over my ducked head, creating a small pocket of tranquillity inside the headlong tornado; the engine -- all chatters and clatters at low rpm -- began resonating like a cathedral pipe-organ keyed with a Hallelujah chord.

My license would last about a week with this bike, maybe less.

So it is fast -- top speed is about 190 mph (you didn't hear that from me). But it's also quick.

The fundamental ratio of performance machines is power to weight, usually expressed as pounds per horsepower. A Ferrari F430 with driver weighs about 3,300 pounds, a burden shared by its 490 horsepower, which the abacus tells us is about 6.7 pounds per horsepower. The Ducati 999R (dry weight of 398 pounds) weighs about 600 pounds with me on board, which means each of its 150 horsepower must move only 4 pounds.

It's hard for those who have not saddled a superbike to appreciate the sick, perverted violence of this equation. If you rev the 999R's engine to about 6,000 rpm, shift as much of your weight as possible over the front wheel, and gingerly slip the clutch for a couple hundred feet -- and if you can hang onto it -- the bike will accelerate from 0-60 mph in about 3 seconds. Your wits might take a bit longer to catch up.

But woe betide the rookie who fails to execute the full-power launch precisely right: The bike will be delighted ... delighted, thank you ... to wheelie over onto its, and your, back. Even in second and third gear, the bike's massive torque (at 8,000 rpm) will easily pull itself over your head in an asphalt full gainer.

Oh, and what's that smell? Why it's my roasting thighs.

The heart of the 999R (that is, if it had a heart) is the 999-cc displacement, liquid-cooled, V-twin engine. This has to be the most highly stressed engine in any street vehicle, producing 150 hp out of less than one liter displacement.

The technology that goes into this bespoke, sand-cast engine is the stuff of race engineering, but its essential feature -- beside the ludicrous power -- is the unbelievably low reciprocating mass. This courtesy of alloy pistons, featherweight billet crank and exotic and titanium-intensive "desmodromic" valve train -- which is to say, the return action of the valves relies on an opposing rocker arm system rather than passive valve springs.

What does all this mean? The internal moving parts of the engine are extremely light, so they can accelerate and decelerate very quickly. Gas the motor and the rpm shoot skyward. Heigh ho, Silver! (or its equivalent in Italian). Let off the gas and the rpm and power plummet -- which can be quite exciting if, for example, you miss a shift under hard acceleration. It would be very easy to be unhorsed this way.

As hard as the bike speeds up, it slows down even harder. The radially mounted Brembo front disc brakes are incredible.

But, again, the slightest misapplication of pressure on the right-hand brake lever -- say, two fingers instead of one -- and the bike will stop dead in its tracks, leaving you to sail over the carbon-fiber fairing like Buzz Lightyear.

The 999R is a very naughty motorcycle. However, I did learn a few tricks on the serpentines of the Angeles Crest Highway that made my time with the bike easier.

First, get all the braking done in a straight line; none of that fancy trail-braking into the corner that you see on televised Superbike races -- you ain't Valentino Rossi and I'm certainly not.

Second, get off the saddle early and set up for the corner. The bike is far too reactive, far too edgy, to permit sliding off the saddle once you enter the corner.

Third, hold onto the bike with your legs; avoid putting any weight on the grips. The slightest tug can cause the bike to surge out of your control.

Fourth, stay in a higher gear than you might on a less powerful bike. Crank the bike over on the tire sidewalls and roll on the throttle and let the ludicrous amounts of torque pull you through the corner. Have no fear. The bike's racing tires have stupendous grip on dry pavement.

Fifth, use the force, Luke. As difficult as it may be, you have to trust this bike. The harder you ride it, the more stable and secure it feels. I practically stood the thing on its nose under braking and the tail didn't wiggle an inch. I flopped it over from rail to rail as hard as I knew how and the front end didn't even tremble. Pound for ornery pound, this has got to be the most dynamically perfect motorcycle in the world.

Yes, once you master the brakes, the stuttering dry-plate clutch, the splenetic throttle, the aching-back riding position and its overall rabid dog demeanor, the 999R can still be a traumatic life event. I mean, come on, it's a racing bike! It is to normal street bikes what crystal meth is to your morning coffee.

I have never been so relieved to park any vehicle unscathed in my garage.

And yet, I confess, I was a little sad to see it go.

*

2005 Ducati 999R

Price, as tested: $32,000

Powertrain: 999-cc, sand-cast alloy, V-twin engine, liquid cooled, desmodromic timing, four valves per cylinder six-speed transmission, multi-disc dry sump clutch, chain drive, 15/36 final drive ratio.

Horsepower: 150 hp at 9,750 rpm

Torque: 86 pound-feet at 8,000 rpm

Weight: about 420 pounds

0-60 mph: 3 seconds

Top speed: 190 mph (estimated)

Wheelbase: 56 inches

Final thoughts: Light fuse, get away.

[Gatineau_Guy]

This is sums it up for me:

"This bike will beat you down like you said something bad about its mother."

HAHA!

Cheers,
Gatineau_Guy

[High_Side]

It never ceases to amaze me how complete morons end up testing bikes so far beyond their abilities.......

[QuietMonkey]

Gatineau_Guy -- THAT was pretty WICKED! a totally funny read.

I'd say that is one of the most realistic and down-to-earth reviews I have ever read... a real blast. thanks man. I loved it!! The L.A. Style real comes through too... SH** that was good.

Highside, That guy's proabbly no moron, he's more likely an honest bike reviewer, not Troy Bayliss. Maybe you and Balyiss train together and you can tell us all about the formative years of the 999 during your copious laptimes at Phillip Island???? Your comments sound like a real jaded bastid who has never really put the guns to a true roadrace machine -- especially on the street where even a stock R6 is a wild machine. Most people I know (including pro roadracers) would be totally unable to evaluate ANY current 600cc sportbike on anything other than the race track. Thinking a bike that is sub-400 lb and hitting 150HP would be anything less than WILD on the street is living in a dream world. wake up man the bike is a freakin' real world awesome prodi superbike with signals. i.e. definitely not a Honda VTR1000 sport-touring rig.

TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLD.

//monkey

[old-n-slow]

It never ceases to amaze me how complete morons end up testing bikes so far beyond their abilities.......

Hmmm. He didn't strike me as a moron, but rather a clever writer, quite adept at using a rather "tongue in cheek" style of applying his craft. It seemed to me that he is well aware of his limitations.

Generally I don't bother to read reviews such as this but the author succeeded in capturing my attention through to the end. And NO --- I don't want one of those..........but then, I never did.

[High_Side]

Maybe I was too hard on Mr. Road tester. I'll admit to skimming when I reached Sunset Boulevard, and with catching a few of his WAY over the top illustrations, I really took it to be another piece of Friday-paper motorcycle review drivel. Yes, I get the point that it is a 999R and it has more than anyone would ever need, could possibly ever handle on the road. Was there anything else in the story that provided some insight into how the bike actually would be to ride? I don't train with Troy Bayliss, and I never even have to constantly let it out that "raced one season on an R-6!" (oooooooo:lol: )like other people. I do enjoy a well written, informative piece on a motorcycle, I will likely never own however. This kind of "well written" comes across as just fluff, sensationalized and aimed at telling us how far beyond us it really is. We knew that, tell us what it is really like.....

[Gatineau_Guy]

Was there anything else in the story that provided some insight into how the bike actually would be to ride?

I thought he did a good job of sneaking that information in. For example:

"The point is, the bike was just waking up, just beginning to shake its strange, low-speed awkwardness. The super-stiff springs and shocks, which burr and tremble on the patched concrete around town, went all velvety; the aero cowling, useless at 60 mph, threw the jet stream over my ducked head, creating a small pocket of tranquillity inside the headlong tornado; the engine -- all chatters and clatters at low rpm -- began resonating like a cathedral pipe-organ keyed with a Hallelujah chord."

When it comes to review I'd rather hear about the emotions evoked when riding the bike than some technical jargon that I can read of a manufacturers webpage . I laughed out loud when I read the review. I thought it was written in the similar manner as the Hunter S. Thompson review of a Ducati that he test road (on the board prior to the great hack of 05).

I will be posting a review of my monster in the sometime in the upcoming days. I would also be interested to hear about the S2R your wife is getting! (Did it arrive yet?)

Cheers,
Gatineau_Guy[/quote]

[High_Side]

I laughed out loud when I read the review. I thought it was written in the similar manner as the Hunter S. Thompson review of a Ducati that he test road (on the board prior to the great hack of 05).

I thought the same thing, and that explains alot, as I was never a Hunter S. Thompson fan..... Different strokes for different folks....
As for the S2R, we are STILL waiting....

[old-n-slow]

Ya kinda have to read it with your eyes open High-side.

[High_Side]

Ya kinda have to read it with your eyes open High-side.

And the brain in neutral......