a funny...

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dr_bar
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#61 Unread post by dr_bar »

Stole this off of another site I visit...


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#62 Unread post by blues2cruise »

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing ....and"..........

.......pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young....
........so we invented them........

"Now, you arrogant little twit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding......

I love senior citizens

:mrgreen:
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#63 Unread post by dr_bar »

Dave was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records,
and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone,
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.

Dave's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

To Dave's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

Dave was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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#64 Unread post by fireguzzi »

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'
Cheney added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, Such big-shots back there. Sh*t I could throw all of y'all @sses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy
[img]http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f101/fireguzzi/papabarsig.jpg[/img]

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#65 Unread post by blues2cruise »

:laughing:
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#66 Unread post by dr_bar »

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Two wheels move the soul!"

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#67 Unread post by dr_bar »

Twenty Five Cents

The jock asks his date, "So, how did you like your first football game?"

"Oh, I really liked it." she replied, "Especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, the jock asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, in the beginning they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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#68 Unread post by blues2cruise »

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on

the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror said 'SHREK you are the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt perked up to say what the mirror said: 'BRAD I know for sure that you are the sexiest man alive.'

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said... 'Who the hell is blues2cruise???

:laughing: :laughing:
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#69 Unread post by Wrider »

Umm blues... I think you may be losing your marbles... :?
I'm not sure where the joke in that is! :mrgreen:
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#70 Unread post by dr_bar »

Wrider wrote:Umm blues... I think you may be losing your marbles... :?
I'm not sure where the joke in that is! :mrgreen:
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"Four wheels move the body.
Two wheels move the soul!"

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