A man dies and appears at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done a good deed?” asks St. Peter.
“Sure, one time I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a woman,” the man says. “I walked up to the leader and punched him in the face, kicked over his bike, and told him, ‘You leave her alone or you’ll answer to me.’”
"That was very brave of you,” says St. Peter. “When did this happen?”
“About two seconds ago.”
Two guys in an elevator
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles weigh 3lbs each, Turner Brown." The small guy just faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks "Are you OK?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me what did you say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God!! I thought you said "Turn around."
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!...
... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."