LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to
give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as
you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human
exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents
throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH : If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get
jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even.
Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!," especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular
bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective
when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to
one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase.
If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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