Tazer story

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Lep
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Tazer story

#1 Unread post by Lep »

Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.


Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought


something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd


anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet


girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer


gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this


product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs


designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low


amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed


to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,


but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the


prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it


will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,


whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things


in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!





Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two


AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was


so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'


directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model


would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do


love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,


and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of


electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so


looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of


electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for


your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot


is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup,
after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm
pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog
was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep
in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both watermellons were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has
anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.

Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get'em back.
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CNF2002
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#2 Unread post by CNF2002 »

I wonder if you zapped a car on one of its grounded metal parts whether it would pop the fuses on the electrical system.

Not that I would do such a thing.
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#3 Unread post by storysunfolding »

That's nothing.

My friend brandon and I used to play around with those for fun. We went looking for one with the highest dose one day, dropped about $90 and tried it out. It hurt like hell but it was one of those macho "I bet I can take 2 seconds more than you"

Long story funnier

We were sitting in a cafe at the University of Virginia our first year and our class was having a talent show. Mainly it was guys playing john mayer or extreme's more than words to get... well you know. I couldn't stand it so I entered Brandon. He got on stage, took his shirt off to much encouragement. Then he took out the taser and let it spark for effect (you pay more and you get the arc) then he held it to his chest and let it off. He fell to the floor flopping around the clicking from the taser barely audible over the screams of concern. After about 10 seconds it stopped, 4 long second later he heaved his fist into the air and slowly pulled himself to his feet


Needless to say- he won the talent show.
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Kal
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#4 Unread post by Kal »

Do they do mail order???
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BuzZz
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#5 Unread post by BuzZz »

storysunfolding wrote:That's nothing.

My friend brandon and I.....
That's waaaay too funny!!!

:laughing: :roll2: :laughing:

I'da voted for him to win, myself. Too bad you didn't tape it. :laughing:
No Witnesses.... :shifty:

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#6 Unread post by snwbrdr »

Yeah, i was hit by one of those...several times.....we were doing the macho thing too.. Let me just say this: drunk High school seniors do not need to have one of these at a party. it just isnt good.
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#7 Unread post by DragonSlayer »

i think its a good thing i never had one, but those small pencil type thing that create a small shock are fun. a friend i had had one one day at the mall, well i borrowed it went the the bathroom and shocked y'know :wink: learned my lesson, atleast i didnt learn it with a tazer...
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NorthernPete
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#8 Unread post by NorthernPete »

Wussy version of that story...use those electric muscle exerciser belt things... and wrap it around your leg and try to walk... funny enough.
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#9 Unread post by Jamers! »

i used to have one of those police issued tazer guns that fire the wires at you and zap you, then i learned that they were illegeal so i sold it to a buddy in a class. tazers are fun though, they make classes like geography much more intertainging.


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