LADIES: Accepting gifts from male bikers?

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Andrew · #11 Unread post by **Andrew** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 4:50 am

If the BF wasn't jealous or concerned, then there would be something wrong. If another man was buying my wife $500 gifts, it would raise a lot of flags. It's not a trust issue with my wife, but more of a lack of trust in other men.

Solution? I would accept the gift, not doing so could also be rude. But I would also be more aware and careful to make sure there truly are no strings attached. Also, bring your BF along for rides. If he gets to know the other guy, he might not be so worried!

younggun · #12 Unread post by **younggun** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 4:53 am

Put the shoe on the other foot for a second, how would you feel if your BF received $500 worth of gifts from some lady you don't know. Would you feel the same way he does right now. Talk to your bf about it, I can bet even if he says he is ok with it he still isnt. There is no point to cause probs in a relationship over stuff that can be prevented like this.

#13 Unread post by **scan** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 5:17 am

younggun wrote:Put the shoe on the other foot for a second, how would you feel if your BF received $500 worth of gifts from some lady you don't know. Would you feel the same way he does right now. Talk to your bf about it, I can bet even if he says he is ok with it he still isnt. There is no point to cause probs in a relationship over stuff that can be prevented like this.

+1

Putting the shoe on the other foot is a great analogy. I think if anyone had a "signifigant other" receive an expensive gift, it would cause some level of curious concern. I think some behaviour is easy to understand and others are not so easy to see. Even if there are not strings attached, at some level stings have been attached by the transaction. If no one used the strings, good on them. The strings are still there though. Know what I mean.

#14 Unread post by **bok** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 5:44 am

as a man and a fairly generous person i don't know that i have ever spent 500 bucks on someone other than my current fiance, but that's not saying that this fellow might not be completely on the up-and-up

maybe he got a wicked deal on the stuff and it was only like 100 bucks to him, or an exchange for something he had lying around or something like that. If he had a couple hundred bucks in credit at the local bike shop that he might not use and saw you needed some new stuff he might have got it for you out of kindness especially if for him money is not a problem.

there are some folks i hang with that pretty much do things similar to this and "what goes around comes around", granted it's usually on a smaller scale but it's not uncommon for me to give my buddy a digital camera that i spent good money on when i bought a new one, or things like that.

your BF might be feeling a bit emasculated though if some other guy is providing what he can't or didn't think to provide, so take his feelings into account as well.

Loonette · #15 Unread post by **Loonette** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 6:30 am

This is a very interesting topic. With the shoe on the other foot, I would be extremely irritated and, yes, suspicious if some woman bought a bunch of expensive stuff for my husband's bike.

For me, I just can't see there being "no strings". He might be thinking that this is just a good first step toward winning your favor. Maybe the strings are out in the cosmos or something, but I just can't see what else his motive would be. If it were me, and even if I were totally single and on my own, I would politely decline - maybe even suggest that he return the items and donate the money toward a good charity (if he really is that altruistic, this would be a good idea). Okay, come to think of it, considering my personality, I might even be insulted. After all - it's my bike and I'd want to take care of it and dress it up myself so that I can take full pride in my accomplishments. I wouldn't want to have to give credit to someone else - someone detached from the rest of my life - for paying my way.

Gifts are gifts and should be given and taken with joy. It seems that we sometimes equate the dollar value as the gift value, which isn't how it should be, but that is how our society works. Would a gift that was cheaper but more personal also be questionable? Maybe so...

I exchange little gifts with my friends all the time - including my guy friends. But I don't buy things just because I think my friends can't afford to do so on their own. I get things that they might not have come across - or things that will bring them a little smile. What this guy has purchased for you has caused you enough discomfort that you're not even sure how to accept it. That alone may be reason to turn it down.

This really is a tough social dilemma though - I don't think there's a cut-and-dry answer, and I don't envy you, your position. Follow your good intuition, and yes, do consider your boyfriend's feelings - the whole thing is a bit odd. Keep us posted.

Cheers,
Loonette

Wed Aug 16, 2006 6:34 am

Loonette wrote: Okay, come to think of it, considering my personality, I might even be insulted. After all - it's my bike and I'd want to take care of it and dress it up myself so that I can take full pride in my accomplishments. I wouldn't want to have to give credit to someone else - someone detached from the rest of my life - for paying my way.

That's a really good point.

Wed Aug 16, 2006 6:39 am

Thank you but no thanks for all the reasons floated above. And I cannot imagine a gracious polite "no thank you" would make the relationship strange in future. I'm assuming you are all friends because of a common interest (riding) so you declining the gifts should not hurt that relationship. You also mentioned this guy can well afford giving $$$ gifts - but I caution you to never get into that cycle of "he/she can afford it" as that view may begin to compromise your principles. Even that you posted your question here leads me to believe you are thinking twice about this whole thing so I suggest you go with your gut which I assume is hinting at you to decline his offer.

Fri Aug 18, 2006 9:48 am

I disagree with that last post.

I think that you're posting this because this is entirely different than any situation you've been in.

Unfortunately we can only draw on our own experience to try and answer this question because we don't know the situation nearly as well as you do. There are too many factors to consider

1.) Who is this guy and is this normal for him? Did he have a way to get this stuff for free or in a manner that cost little to him? (cost here is relative, my grandfather considers a $20,000 gift paltry then again he is ridiculously wealthy and quite generous)

2.) Who are you and what's the current status of your relationship to this guy? Are you friends, aquantences, people who go to each others houses for dinner or join each other on trips?

3.) What's your riding club like? Is this something they think is out of sorts?

4.) Does your boyfriend really care? I mean sure if he's single

These are just a few things to consider and the vastly different combinations to answer are crucial to making the right decision. Then there's your current situation, personality, lifestyle etc etc to take into consideration and quite frankly- no one here knows you anywhere close to the degree they should to give you advice to draw a decision from.

Also about taking away your ability to personalize your bike or whatever... really? If someone just gave me stuff that they knew I wanted for my bike I would be all for it.... that applies to each and every one of you.

CNF2002 · #19 Unread post by **CNF2002** » Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:01 am

When giving gifts I've always considered it etiquette to spend based on the income of the recipient. If I'm a millionaire it is not inappropriate to give my nefew a 30K SUV for his birthday if that family is similarly wealthy. If they are lower or middle-class, I would spend appropriately so as to not offend the recipients loved ones. It is very rude to give an expensive gift to someone when their own family could never afford to do so.

Just my opinion on this matter, since it seems to have strayed a bit from the original topic

Fri Aug 18, 2006 10:04 am

CNF2002 wrote:When giving gifts I've always considered it etiquette to spend based on the income of the recipient. If I'm a millionaire it is not inappropriate to give my nefew a 30K SUV for his birthday if that family is similarly wealthy. If they are lower or middle-class, I would spend appropriately so as to not offend the recipients loved ones. It is very rude to give an expensive gift to someone when their own family could never afford to do so.

Just my opinion on this matter, since it seems to have strayed a bit from the original topic

Wouldn't that apply to the situation though? For instance a birthday or christmas in which they were outshined by a 30k SUV when the best they could do was a toaster. But in random acts to help someone better enjoy their hobby? $500 in the world of motorcycle accessories isn't all that much.