LADIES - What would you do?

Message

Candy750 · #11 Unread post by **Candy750** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 4:53 am

deedee - is there another riding buddy to practice with in addition to him??

My hubby is a "professional a%%hole" by his own admission, and to me, it comes out about my riding. All summer, I got the "speed up" sign, saw his head shaking, that impatient "one arm" riding when I wasn't up his butt, on and on... I missed Americade, some pig roasts, trips to places, etc. because I HATED to ride with him. We'd stop or get home, and same thing - you need to... you shouldn't.... on and on until somehow, we always got to talking about my death!!

Anyway, I passed on some rides with him, and did go on some rides with his family (yes, they prefer to ride wihtout him too!!) and got CONSTRUCTIVE criticism from them. No talking about my death, what I did wrong. Even the few rides with him and his buddies - his buddies gave me better advice in a nicer way. I rode alone alot. I went over the same routes I didn't do well on with him.

I read up - got some books that would SHOW me in diagrams the stuff I didn't think I was comprehending. He can't explain all the "little things" because it's so natural for him. i used these forums to ask all my "dumb" questions (NO, they aren't DUMB, but to HIM they are! I belive the only dumb question is the one you don't ask!)

Even my sister in law say her hubby is too hard on her - but I count HIM as someone I like to get instruction from! Go figure. I think we reserve that "special" anger/impatience for our spouses. It hat combination of worry, fear, impatience and excitement.

You just need to tell him you APPRECIATE his advice, not get defensive, and remember - if he doesn't mention this or that aspect, you are doing THAT part ok!! I also found that agreeing, not "explaining" (which my hubby refers to as excuses) works better at keeping the communication going. I have to admit - he IS more experienced than me, but I was taught by MSF. I does not good to say "MSF said this, not what you say."

PS - I rode 120 miles with hubby on Saturday (45 degrees and high winds) and never once did I get the "speed up" or any "bad comments. maybe it took all summer, but FINALLY we enjoyed a nice day. His sister thought he was just too cold to "jaw"

deedee1 · #12 Unread post by **deedee1** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 5:48 am

I think he does get impatient with me. I know that I was following along and soing stuff I wasn't comfortable with which just makes my mistakes owrse because I am nervous.

The other day he was going to a busier road and when i realised it I stopped and turned around. When he realised I wasn't following anymore he came back asked me what was wrong. I told him I was not comfortable going there and we should just stick to what I have ridden for now. I also suggested we go back home and check on the kids. I think he was a little upset with me but I know my limits and sometimes just don't wnat to push them to much for one day. He says I need to push myself more or I will never get ovet the nervousness and will be riding around the block forever. I just laughed at him and told him I realise that but I need to make the decision on how hard to push myself. I told him after i get good at the route to the parking lot we will try a different one then ride that one til i have it then move on. I think he is impatient that i am not pushing myself harder but I prefer the safer more relaxed do it til ya know it approach.

I will get it all down and once i do it will be fine. I take my msf course the weekend after this so after that i am hoping that i will have a bit more confidence and maybe a few more pointers in a way i can understand. Because sometimes i ask him and he confuses me more LOL.

In answer to your question there is no one else to ride with that I know. No one else in my family rides. i have been practicing on my own and I have read every book I can get my hands on plus as much as I can on this forum.

I told him some people take to riding like its second nature others need a bit of practice to learn to ride. I am one of those that needs the practice LOL.

Have a great one and ride safe
Deedee

Candy750 · #13 Unread post by **Candy750** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:32 am

Although it feels wrong - and he might not be happy - but you are right. I been exactly in that same place!!!

I started riding the end of July 04. Hubby started riding in 1993. We met in late 1994... He gave me a ride on the back in early summer 1995, and I was scard to death! I had ridden onthe back with other guys, but I could tell, he was very new - and he had 1 1/2 years under his belt! So I let it be "his" thing. He gave me another ride in early summer 2004, and that's when I decided - I can't be HIS passenger! So I took MSF, got my bike...

In August 05, he got his new bike. HE will admit, he has ridden this one more than the other in way shorter of a time.

Flash forward to July 2006 - I got my new bike in April 06, and I was still getting used to it, but I thought I was doing good (I missed alot of spring riding due to an injury). I overheard a comment he made to his friend that he didn't have 12 years to wait for me to get good!!!

deedee1 · #14 Unread post by **deedee1** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 6:51 am

When I met hubby he had been riding for years. I had ridden on the back of another boyfriends bike and swore I never would again.

But after watching hubby ride and the way he rode I could see a big difference in the two so I decided to give it a try. I was a bit nervous at first but figured what the heck i trust him in everything else. So off we went. After he instructed me on how to be a passenger. I had a blast.
Unfortunately we didn;t get to ride together often then I got pregnant and couldn"t ride with him actually figured out I was pregnant and wnet on a ride with him that made me sicker than a dog.

Fast forward a few years (that was 1996 and 1997) Hubby sold his vfr and went without riding for a few years. So last year he bought his roadstar and got back into the wing of things. Have only ridden on it with him once. Well we went to the motorcycle shop and i fell in love with a Vstar. Told hubby if he got me that bike i would learn to ride.

Heres the conversation.:

Me: I want that bike it feels perfect...
Hubby: Not til you learn to ride so if you go down i won;t kill ya hahahahaha
Me: I do not want a sport bike...
Hubby: Let me do research see what a good starte bike is
Me; Ok fine then

Fast forward a week:
Hubby: well when we get home Iwill check and see if your a proud owner of a ninja 250
Me: WHAT!!!!
Hubby: I did my research and its a perfect starter bike its light and not to much power for a beginner.
Me: OK I am trusting you (in the back of my mind i don't have to worry someone will outbid him)

Later that night:
Hubby(greets me at the door) Guess what you are now the proud owner of a ninja 250
Me: GROOOOAAAAN
Hubby: We have to go to vegas to get it
Me: groooaaan Ok

Well we got her and I love her don't tell him but he was right. I wouldn't have been able to handle the vstar 1100 I wanted.

Whenever anyone asks hubby how i am doing he says better than I expected so that gives him points. He doesn't tell them I suck. He says I have a way to go but i am doing fine. Its just me that gets the no no no your doing it wrong. And then I get the if you don't like the way I teach then i won't teach and you won't ride lol. And of course I got the if you don't take the mSf you don't ride from him.

He is supportive in his way and he lets me ride when he isn't here which means he thinks I can without him here (at least in my around the neighborhood circuit) before he took my keys to work with him so i didn't get tempted and go out and kill myself.LOL

So in retrospect i guess i am getting the good job if not in the words but in his actions.

Have a great one and ride safe
Deedee

Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:06 am

I've got one question: How is your hubby gonna STOP you from riding? Aren't you riding already?

I don't understand you letting him yank you around like this. From what I'm reading, he's treating you like a 14 year old, not an adult.

Just my 2 cents.

P

deedee1 · #16 Unread post by **deedee1** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:59 am

Well i can see both sides to the coin. He didn't want me riding by myself so if something happened he would be there to help me or get me help. And he would probably hide my keys forever lol.

I know it sounds like that and I do feel the same way sometimes. I asked him that one day and he said I don't mean to treat you like a kid but until you have the skills you need i am responsible to make sure you don't do something stupid. I in turn said I am responsible for me and he replied i am the one that got you into riding and it is my responsibility as your husband and teacher to make sure your safe. Which means not letting you ride alone or continue to ride if you haven't gotten all the skils and training you can get.

Its his way of watching out for me. I guess for me i am use to overbearing overprotective men i grew up the only girl outta 14 grandchildren and the only girl and younget in my family. So I understand where he is coming from and I also rebel because i am a grown woman.

I am sure he doesn't mean to be like that and i am sure if I pointed it out to him again he would reevaluate. But i think he is cute when he gets all manly on me and i take it in my stride.

have a great one and ride safe
Deedee

Veda · #17 Unread post by **Veda** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:07 am

I'm with Loonette and Lion Lady. From the way you're talking he sure sounds like a controlling "O Ring". I've been biting my tongue reading your posts. I'm sure you love him though and don't want to hear people bashing your husband.

So, since leave the husband isn't practical advise, it sounds like you're doing the next best thing, MSF. Maybe you can look up some local groups/clubs and ask them how they feel about taking beginners on their rides, and you could make some riding friends/mentors that way?

Nalian · #18 Unread post by **Nalian** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:21 am

Let me preface this by saying - if you feel that this is good and right for you, then ignore what I'm about to say.

I have to agree with Lion Lady though - I'm a pretty willful person and if someone said to me anything about 'letting' me do things, etc..I'd be pissy. I also don't get why he's leading you around and telling you things like keep up - if he's so intent to have you safe, he should be riding behind you and letting you set the pace. I don't get this "follow me" stuff. I wouldn't have felt safe when I was learning.

That being said - after MSF I took off on my own and didn't have someone helping me out. I wonder if in some ways you're more hesitant than you would be if you didn't have someone there to lean on and 'teach' you. From what you said it sounds like you may or may not have had more training than you'll get in the MSF anyway..it just depends on how good of a teacher your hubby is.

deedee1 · #19 Unread post by **deedee1** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:21 am

Well I know it sounds like that and he does have his moments of being a controlling o-ring. I guess I have just gotten use to dealing with it then doing my own thing anyway. He really isn't that bad as far as being controlling. I have a brother and friends hubbys put mine to shame. We are looking for a local group to join up with just haven't found one yet and it is kinda hard with the kids to be able to be active in something like that. We both have demanding schedules plus the kids. Plus its kinda hard to plan things because i usually get a call to go do my work at unusual times and sometimes same day. I have had to cancel alot of things because of my work.

But anyway I digress. I didn"t mean to make him sound like an oring. He is a really great guy and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I know he has my safety in mind and I get a little aggravated by his treating me like I am a kid. Which doesn't happen all that much. I know I am an inexperienced rider and that its gonna take time to learn and to get the skill I need to be a good rider. he is just helping me along the way in the best way he knows how.

Again I am sorry for making him sound that way my frustration got the better of me and I was wondering what you all would do.

Thanks again

have a great one and ride safe
Deedee

Candy750 · #20 Unread post by **Candy750** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:32 am

Just my .02

I have noticed in reading this forum that the many of the hubby's are the really kind, supportive, understanding types. Then there's the OTHER kind of hubby - the kind like mine - not the "Hallmark guy" as he calls it.
Sometimes "control" is fear - of loss, guilt, responsibility, appearing to be the provider... He's never going to say he's afraid of this or that. Guys suck it up...have been "rehearsing " their own death on the playground for years...