LADIES - What would you do?

[sunshine229]

Hi DeeDee,

I am glad to see you have a lot of spirit and desire to keep riding. After all the talk he's given you about what you are doing wrong you could be so deflated you would never do it again.

Have you taken the MSF course yet? If not, then I strongly suggest you do that so that you can stop learning "the wrong way" or your husband's way - you will learn the right way. It will boost your confidence and get you off to a good start. (and then you will have the smarts to be able to tell him what he does wrong....LOL)

Andrea

[Duffy]

Well at least her husband cares and is there for her. I don't know if any other ladies are in the same boat I am, let me explain......

I have always looked longingly at bikers. Always wanted to get one, but it never seemed like the right time, I always had other things going on, etc etc etc. Well, I'm 35 now and I finally said, what the hell am I waiting for So I told my husband I wanted to take the riding course and asked if he wanted to join me. He told me he had no interest in riding and thought it was a waste. If he has any free time he would go golfing So I took the course by myself. He wouldn't allow me to get a bike unless I passed the course and had my license. Also it had to be an inexpensive bike. In his opinion, it's a toy, a want not a need therefore anything over $100 a month is out of the question, and even that is pushing it. So fine whatever, I figured the Ninja 250 fit the bill. I thought that my talking about it and going through everything would spark an interest with him..... not so. Instead he said in not so few words that he is sick of hearing about it. Now since this is a big thing in my life right now I can't even share my experiences with him.......talk about a downer. I don't get it, we usually get along fine and he is my best friend, he is usually very supportive and sensitive to my feelings, but when it comes to this...he turns very cold and distant. I don't know. I took the reigns and did what I wanted to do without any support and I don't regret it. True, I'm a little hurt by him, but I'm a big girl and don't need his blessing or whatever.......but it would have been nice. Like I saw a bike I wanted 3 days before my driving portion of my riding course and asked if it was alright just to buy it now to be sure no one else grabbed it and he said no, not until I have my license. I said I have my permit, and if he was worried about my driving I could get someone else to get it home. Still another no. I said I don't see what the big deal is, buy it now, or 4 days from now and he responded with "Fine, you want it now, then just buy it then, do what you want, but don't expect me to be with you then! I waited the 4 days. I wanted to ride for so long and now that I am, I just wish I could share this milestone with my significant other. Nope...now I just keep it bottled up. I use to talk about the bike stuff to the bike riders at work, but I think they are getting sick of listening about it too. This isn't turning out to be as fun as I thought it would be
So, if your man is there for you at some level, at least he is there.

[flw]

Duffy,

Sounds like our spouses are similar. I would suggest trying to find a local club (not so much for the group ride but that's fine too) for another rider you can talk to face to face about something that you love to do. Maybe that can lead to a possible ride or meet in a empty parking lot to help you practice etc...

My spouse and most friends are anti-bike party's but I don't let that stop me. When I die, I want to say I at least tried everything practical that I wanted to do. I didn't let fear drive my life.

[MicheleZ]

Duffy,

Just curious - how much do you think he spends per month golfing? Golfing isn't a cheap sport - any more than biking. So his $100 per month limit sounds like a manipulative control maneuver. Sounds to me like he doesn't want you to ride a bike - pure and simple and instead of outright saying "no", he is going to be a pure pain in the "O Ring" about it until you start thinking it isn't worth it anymore - which it sounds like you are already on the way there - his tactics are working perfectly on you. Sorry, I have no respect for any man that would do that to someone he is suppose to love.....

Seems to me he is your best friend and supportive only when you are doing something he approves.

[Shorts]

Duffy,

Just curious - how much do you think he spends per month golfing? Golfing isn't a cheap sport - any more than biking. So his $100 per month limit sounds like a manipulative control maneuver. Sounds to me like he doesn't want you to ride a bike - pure and simple and instead of outright saying "no", he is going to be a pure pain in the "O Ring" about it until you start thinking it isn't worth it anymore - which it sounds like you are already on the way there - his tactics are working perfectly on you. Sorry, I have no respect for any man that would do that to someone he is suppose to love.....

Seems to me he is your best friend and supportive only when you are doing something he approves.

+1

He's controlling the beans out of you. But hey, his loss.

Definitely loon for a new gang to hang out with...no, not the Banditos or Hells Angels, but rather a friendly low key fun group

Just a fleeting thought but, maybe your hubby had some bad/embarassing experience on a bike when he was young and doesn't want to face it or be reminded.

Anyway, enjoy the hell out of riding and don't let his sourpuss attitude ruin it for you.

[Veda]

Just a fleeting thought but, maybe your hubby had some bad/embarassing experience on a bike when he was young and doesn't want to face it or be reminded.

That was the first thing that came to mind for me too.

Then again, I bet Duffy's husband is responding the same way a lot of the wives/girlfriends of our male members of the board have responded. When it's the wives who are uninterested or trying to limit the motorcycle spending everyone just shrugs and says that's what wives do. So it's really a common scenario a lot of people here are dealing with.

[MicheleZ]

Then again, I bet Duffy's husband is responding the same way a lot of the wives/girlfriends of our male members of the board have responded. When it's the wives who are uninterested or trying to limit the motorcycle spending everyone just shrugs and says that's what wives do. So it's really a common scenario a lot of people here are dealing with.

Yep you are right - and I also don't have respect for any woman that would try to manipulate their husband in the same manner. On the other hand, I have little patience for manipulative jerkoffs in general.

[Duffy]

Thanks for the responses. They are very insightful. There are a few angles I would never have thought of. Especially the controlling, manipulitive aspect. But rest assured, this is the first and only time he has been like this and I think that's why it's really hitting me hard. It was a total surprise, completely out of left field and out of character for him. Usually he does everything thing he can to make me happy. Things that I don't even ask for, like if I wake up late he'll have breakfast cooked and my lunch made for me to take for work. Everytime he goes somewhere, to the grocery store or wherever he brings home something special for me....the list goes on. As for the golf, he gets out about 3-4x each summer. He would like to do it more, and would if weather and/or schedule would allow. He never (to my knowledge) has been on a bike, so I don't think he has ever had a bad experience. I don't know what is deal is. I don't know if my recent strong desire for a bike caught him by surprise and he doesn't know how to take it. I remember a few years back when I wanted to get back in shape and started going to the gym he was making him feel insecure, like I was only doing it cuz I was interested in trying to attract other male attention So, maybe he is afraid that the 'new' group of biker friends will make my eyes roam. Do guys get insecure like that?? I know if he started hanging out with alot of the opposite sex fellow golfers or something I might get a little jealous. He says he is worried that I will get hurt and wants to make sure I take it slow. Maybe is loss of control of keeping me safe has him over protective and being a bit ana. Lots of variables here. In anycase, I was a bit depressed yesterday when I wrote my initial post. But be assured that his angst about my riding won't interfere with it. I'll find a good group to get with that will enhance the experience.

[Lion_Lady]

Hi, Duffy! Welcome!

I missed this because the original thread is like, "OLD"! Sorry you're having such a hard time getting your SO behind you on this. It is soo easy to go into counselor mode without any details. Please take this advice with a grain of salt. I want to help, but I do not know you or your husband.

I need a timeline here... when did you first start talking about riding and take the course, etc. etc.? Did this happen in the span of a couple months or over a year, what? How long have you two been married?

What I see here, is the need for a calm sit down talk. Not right before bed, when you're both tired or in the morning while one or the other is running around trying to get to work or whatever.

Its where you say, "I love you. I know you aren't thrilled with my riding, but please help me understand what it is that bothers you about it . . . " pause for his response.

It will probably take some gentle prodding, and it may be that he doesn't fully understand WHY or WHAT it is that is getting under his skin. Or be able to articluate it well. The key is to LISTEN to him, and understand that you probably won't come to any sort of 'agreement' in one sitting.

After he says his piece, repeat back what you feel are the key points. Then, you might tell him a bit about how riding makes you feel, and how unhappy you are that you cannot even tell him about a ride once you come home.

If you think this may degenerate into a FIGHT, then by all means enlist a third party... be it your pastor or a family friend (someone who is at least mostly NEUTRAL, regarding motorcycles - you do NOT want this to become two against one on either side).

One of the greatest joys my husband and I have discovered is riding together. I started riding 4 1/2 years ago, and he started a year later. We have fun like when we were first married, over 20 years ago.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

Pam

[Duffy]

I need a timeline here... when did you first start talking about riding and take the course, etc. etc.? Did this happen in the span of a couple months or over a year, what? How long have you two been married?

Alrighty, lol, here we go. A friend of mine (male) got a bike last summer. He is a few years older. And I think that's really started my gears going again. I was like, OMG, if he can just up and get a bike why can't I?!?! I've always wanted one, what is holding me back. So I really started pushing for one early spring this year. So even though I have always longed for a bike I have only made my desire known (strongly) these last few months, since spring. We've been married 3 years, been together 8 years. We have date night every saturday and generally get along very well, still very affectionated.
We kinda talk. I try to bring up the subject on the side, so I don't stir up his ire and what I gather it's because he is worried about me killing myself. He doesn't wont to lose me. So he can't help being resentful about the whole thing. Does that makes sense? My new hobby might kill me, so why should he like it and support it?
I've told him that it's scary but fun to do the classes and he should do them. And even though he may not want his own bike right now, he could still try mine if and when he gets the notion. He said that sounds okay........./me crosses fingers. Bring him over to the dark side may be able to convert him yet.