lots of jokes (many pages...so a long post)

[MASHBY]

I know some may be reposts but some aren't


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just "Donut Holes".

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,and only suspicion, not
proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that if at first you don't succeed, check to see if the
loser gets anything.

I've learned that brain cells come and go, but fat cells are forever.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have a nice car or huge breasts.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more
screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its
place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their
dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6
languages.



First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the deadman's long. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" he bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you


One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"



An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young stick from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this." He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."



"Golf Club President" Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?" Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, three times..." "Three?!? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can't be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?" "Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?" "So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not horns - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a mean - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO CENT mean - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.



How to achieve a percentage greater than 100 - say for example 103%. We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following. IF: A = 1 B = 2 C = 3 D = 4 E = 5 F = 6 G = 7 H = 8 I = 9 J = 10 K = 11 L = 12 M = 13 N = 14 O = 15 P = 16 Q =17 R = 18 S =19 T = 20 U = 21 V = 22 W = 23 X = 24 Y = 25 Z = 26
Then: H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly, K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you'd expect), A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE. But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%.



"Guide to Male Vocabulary"
Statement: "Haven't I seen you before?" True Meaning: "Nice "O Ring"."
Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "I need you." True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
Statement: "I am different from all the other guys." True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."
Statement: "I want a commitment." True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it." True Meaning: "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "I miss you so much." True Meaning: "I am so horns that my male roommate is starting to look good."
Statement: "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True Meaning: "Is my pencil really that small?"
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I'll give you a call." True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."



Damn! It's good to be a man...
Part II

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.




SUCCESS:
At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money.
At age 50 . . .success is . . . having money.
At age 70 . . .success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 . . .success is . . . not peeing in your pants.



1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
4. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
5. All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
6. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
7. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Many say monogamy is the same.
9. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
12. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
13. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."



IDIOTS IN SERVICE:

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.




The Weather

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Top 10 refused Valentines cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store in hopes that later, you'd be my mean.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat "O Ring".
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. SO MAKE ME A Samich
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown....but so's your "O Ring".
3. You're a honey...and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horns!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!!



YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...


You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.



It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, a California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year-old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3am, the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked outwithout paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP "Man Loses face at Party" A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year,a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck), popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. He put it into his mouth, bit down and itblew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off," Payne said. Stromyer > was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through eight to ten inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now, The 2001 DARWIN AWARDS GRAND CHAMPIONS! (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted(and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm,he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his hole. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his hole, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win.



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his pencil into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pencil into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" > > "Oh...she got fired too."



A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have pencils. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong andd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"




A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard, smoking a cigarette ..with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking frustrated as hell, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"



Ten things men know about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts ...




It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."



THE BUFFALO BEER THEORY:

The answer to one of life's great mysteries! I haven't heard anyone explain this as well as the all-wise Cliff Clavin on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm...

"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first." "In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK - well now hear the guys' side - These are our rules! They are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present - yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done-not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape

[blues2cruise]

After reading all those "jokes", I'm not sure whether to laugh or shake my head at you or roll my eyes.

[dr_bar]

One Saturday morning a biker gets up early,
dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his
leathers, grabs the keys to his Harley and goes to the garage to
warm up his bike and head out on a long cruise.

He wheels his bike out of the garage and discovers
the rain is really pouring down. It is a
torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed
in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so minutes later he puts his
bike back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips
back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather
out there is really terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my
stupid a$$ husband is out riding in that dodo?"

[Mag7C]

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