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A house full of kids and no TV! How wretched can life get noodle? I'd gladly come to tea if there were a convenient wormhole that would get me there and back in time for my ever-so-exciting work tomorrow.

Sounds like it is time to hunt out the hot water bottles and those old paperback books.

Cheers

Northern TV Outage...The Saga Continues...
OK, so the TV situation seems grim...things are lookin' bad for Kid. Our first idea was to pull one of the little 13" tv's out of one of the kids' rooms and stick it in the living room. Yes, I admit it, our kids have tv's in their bedrooms. (I'm so ashamed...) My son's a wee tetch autistic, and needs the light/noise to fall asleep at night...and his younger sister has spent a year being absolutely riddled with jealousy, and got one for Christmas...

So...my wife broached the subject to our cherub of a 4-year-old daughter, who has perfect apple-cheeks and little sapphire eyes, and the most darling giggle.

And the next-door neighbors heard her screaming "NO! I LOVE MY TV!" So that was out. I guess it takes an adult to understand the concept of teamwork...or maybe she understands it better than I do -- teamwork = "I lose my tv."

Okay, so strike one on the tv front. Hope is not lost, all is not turned to ashes. Yet. I decided to see how much of a stretch on our finances it'd be to just buy a new tv. I looked at all the usual fine establishments...Walmart, Kmart, ABC Warehouse, Bestbuy.
I thought the price of electronics was coming DOWN as time went on... Unless we want a tv that we have to huddle around like it's a campfire, we're going to shell out some serious cash. And we don't have serious cash...we barely have some tongue-in-cheek, stand-up-comic cash. We could, I guess, not eat, and continue to watch "armed and famous" in glorious splendor. I'm not really for that.

So buying a new tv is out. Strike Two, and the pitcher's winding up with what looks like a wicked split-finger fastball...

And my wife called her mom. Ah yes, "the in-laws." How to explain the in-laws. Do you know the banjo bit from "Deliverance?" "Day-doh dow-dow, dang-dow, ding-dow, baowwww..." Yeah, that's sort of it. One foot in the trailer...the other foot, well, on the metal steps of the trailer. Shotgun in hand, beer in the other hand -- butt of Jeff Foxworthy's best material. My brother-in-law's grandma married his uncle. Now his uncle is his grandpa, and his grandma is his aunt. Day-doh dow-dow, dang-dow, ding-dow, baowwww...

Yeah, my MIL got married for the first time a couple of years ago, and the guy is a marked improvement over the losers she'd previously hooked up with. This guy's only a raging alcoholic -- he's at least nice to her, mostly. My wife's mom has been a pretty laissez-faire mother at best, and has let lots, LOTS of pretty serious needs of her children just kind of, oh...slide. And that's who my wife called.

To our surprise, (real, sharp pains in the chest surprise, we're talking) it was like the opening scene from "Top Gun." You know, when the Russian fighter enters the Ring of Danger around the carrier group, and everyone scurries around like ants and Maverick drops his latently milk-erotic literature and goes streaking off to do gallant battle? Yeah, it was like that.

"It's busted?! The TV?! Good God, man! What've we got on Alert 5 status? A 27"? Scramble that Alert 5 TV, people, we've got a crisis brewing! Get in there and restore their viewing pleasure! Go, go, go!!!"

No joke, the response was immediate, decisive and just a little bit scary. They instantly offered the use of one of the TWO tv's that they're not using. Not only that, but the (perpetually drunk) FIL instantly loaded it into their car and started driving it from Hick Town#1 where they live to Hick Town #2 where we live. Instantly. Oh yeah, we're also having a blizzard today -- we're gonna end up with 4 to 8" of snow, and they'll probably have 8-10" where they live. It's probably sitting in my living room now.

Wow. Saved. Snatched from the jaws of the beast even as we smelled its foetid breath. Or something. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the use of their tv, it's really nice of them. But to leap into action like the Justice League, and load a tv into the car before my wife's even off the phone, and head out into a blizzard with it? Drunk? Wow.

Oop, I see it's time for me to head out of work and go home. I wonder what's on tv tonight?

TV Tragedy -- The Final Chapter....(?)

So, when I got home last night, there was a 13-year-old Sanyo 25" tv sitting on our living room floor, courtesy of the in-laws. They did, by the way, stress the fact that they want it back when we're done with it. Like, eight times. I Lysol-and-Windexed 13 years of cigarette smoke off it. My wife confirmed that they had indeed been loading the tv into their car while she was still on the phone with them to drive it the 15 miles to us in a blizzard. Why? "We can't let those kids go without tv." Swear to gawd, they were serious.

Now, we've had rough times before. We've been broke, we've had months where the charge-card has paid some utilities (those days are over, thank you) and the in-laws have been largely unimpressed.
Us:"We have no money this month."
Inlaws:"Yeah, we're broke, too."
Us:"We don't know if we can buy groceries this time around."
IL:"Yeah, we're broke, too."
Us:"We had to charge our electric bill this month."
IL:"Yeah, we're broke, too."

Us:"Our tv died."
IL:"OH MY GOD, PEOPLE! LET'S MOVE, MOVE MOVE, AAAAAAAA!!"

Anyway, when I got home I tried our stricken tv, and it displayed a picture -- a sort of washed-out, faded picture -- for an hour or so, then went out again. Bad picture tube, yup, no doubt. So, I pulled out our (I swear) 900lb Sony and put in their tv, and got it hooked up to our stereo as best I could, and in all have a workable solution for the next few months until we can either get our tv fixed, or get another tv.

By the way, this would be the tenth time I've typed "tv" in this post. TV. There, that's eleven.

......................................i hate tv...
nice blog, i love it. It goes at about 45 mph.

My"(I swear) 900 lb. Sony" Blinked out over the summer. What is it with the Sony's? Now Im watching the 27" Sanyo I bought from Wal-Mart 5 years before I bought the Sony. I don't think Ill buy another Sony. I was going to get a Plasma, but my wife couldnt figure out where we were going to get the money for it, So I took the money and put a down payment on my bike instead. So I may not have a plasma, but I got a brand new bike. TThhhhpppptt

Hey, AZRider, I'll try that. I may wait until spring, though, so that when I have to sleep out in the garage with my bike, it won't be so frigidly cold...

Original Thinking At Work...

...Unfortunately it's of the totally unhelpful kind.

Today, as someone at work consumed a "Payday" candybar, they posed the question, "So, what's 'nougat,' anyway?" It came to me in a blinding flash...well, actually not, but for the first time I had an answer.

"Nougat is like the sausage of the candy world. It's everything that's left over. And like sausage, it tastes good."

And I was proud of myself.

Earlier this week, I coined a new word..."motard." It's a person who's equal parts moron and mentally challenged...motard. "What're you, a motard?!"

And I was proud of myself. Then I remembered that there's a bike called a "super motard," or something, and it put a whole new spin on it...



...then again, it's a dirt-bike with street tires, that gets raced on pavement like a motocross bike...maybe it IS motarded.

Whatever, it means I could call someone a Super-Motard, and really confuse the heck out of them. Maybe there could be a superhero...Super Motard. Both developmentally delayed and just plain stupid...in tights...

Hm. Or not. Looks like I'm goin' to he-llllllll again.

Hm. Stuff that makes you go Hm. But not like Arsenio Hall. (remember him?)

Typical Michigan January Sunday Morning out there. (what was that, five capitalized words in a row?) Which is to say, it's cold and snowy. This afternoon I'm driving into town to run some maintenance on a computer of a client of mine. I can say I have clients...how weird is that?

Anyway, some pretty life-altering events have struck in my extended family, not once, but twice. The thing making me think is the way I've reacted to them totally differently.

So, my dad called and told me how they'd gone on a cruise with my aunt and uncle, and on the first day out of port, my aunt went to the ship infirmary with chest pains. Then when they reached port they whisked her off to the hospita, because she'd had a "small" heart attack. She ended up at a heart clinic in Cleveland where she underwent surgery and took three stents in a blocked heart artery. They say it's a blessing in disguise, because most women like her who have this just die when their heart explodes, or something.

So when Dad told me this I was at turns shocked, and anxious, and relieved to hear she's recovering well. I feel bad for my uncle, and I sincerely hope my aunt makes a full recovery, and I think of how it'd be too bad to lose my aunt, even though I've really only seen her a handful of times in my life. I think that's probably the normal gamut of feelings when something like this happens.

Then, last night my mother in law gave us the news that the guy who was my wife's step-dad* for 15 years or so has throat cancer that's spread to the lungs, is aggressive, and is most likely going to kill him. The throat tumors will probably close off his throat, slowly, choking him when he tries to eat or drink, and eventually suffocating him. It sounds like a terrible way to die, and he doesn't have insurance.

And I can't make myself feel bad for him.

I *'d "stepdad" because my wife's mom was never married to him, she just lived with him for 15 years or so, and he had a hand in raising my wife. And for all of those 15 years, and for the 10 years after that that I've known him, he's been a special brand of a$$hole. I dare say that everybody's life that he's touched has been made a little bit worse by it. He's a loud, controlling, mentally abusive, money-grubbing, self-centered, totally selfish individual. He's a Petrucchio, without the endearing qualities. (read Shakespeare, you'll get it.)

And now he's dying, and beyond the abstract thoughts of "It's terrible that anyone should suffer and die like that," when it comes to this man in particular -- a man who managed to make Christmas Morning into a thoroughly unenjoyable spectacle to be endured -- I can't think anything beyond incredibly vindictive thoughts like "It's about time," and "Couldn't happen to a better person," and "Maybe there IS a God, after all."

I don't like thinking these thoughts in a situation like this, but I'm thinking them. It makes me a smaller person, I think. I'd like to think I'm more compassionate than that, but maybe I'm not. His mom called us, and she's stricken, yes, but she also relayed that he doesn't want my wife to know, and we have to pretend that she wasn't told. Also, that he doesn't want anyone to come down to visit him -- not because he's devastated and wants to be alone, no. He told his mom not to come, because he'd have to turn the cable back on, and buy more food. Same old B___. (his name)

So I'm left with the thought of "Good, how soon until we're rid of him," and this feeling in my chest like that's the wrong way to think about it, and the total inability to make myself feel like I think I should: you know....bad.

Hey, you're not an "O-ring"-hole for thinking those thoughts. Personally, I'm literally on the edge of either going off on my step-mother or taking her out. She has literally done nothing to make my life any better, she's the reason my parents got divorced, etc etc etc. So I know exactly the feelings you and your wife are going through. A couple of years ago she miscarried, and I honestly can't remember anything but happy/vindictive thoughts going through my head at the time, and I was only 10!

On the other hand, I am sorry to hear about your aunt. I hope she gets better soon.
Wrider

And Now For Something Completely Different.

Thank you, "Monty Python," for the segue.

I decided to stop at the motorcycle dealer on the way home from work last night -- the Harley, Buell, Triumph, Kawasaki dealer -- so I could sit on some bikes that haven't been stewing in single-digit temps for a while. That's what it's been around here lately, high temps of eighteen, overnight lows of three, windchills somewhat like liquid nitrogen. Definitely wearing gloves, anyway.

So y'know, the more I look at and sit on the Kawasaki ZX-14, the more I want it to be my next bike. It won't be, not anytime soon anyway -- I don't have $10k+ to spend on a bike. Heck, I don't have $1k+ to spend on a bike. But the ZX-14 fits me. I sat on it, and the handlebars were in the right place, the gauges were in the right place, the pegs, whatever...it felt "right." The 650 and 750 sportbikes next to it didn't feel right -- I sat on them and went "eugh, naw, not for me." The other bike there that really fit well was a Harley Fat Bob...maybe cause I'm kind of a Fat Bob myself. Can one person think that a ZX-14 and a "Fat Bob" both "fit?" Kind of diametrically opposed bikes there.

Still, something about that ZX-14 is under my skin. I like the way it looks -- it has those side strakes that remind me of the Ferrari Testarossa. Overblown? Sure. But I was a teenager then and they remind me of my youth. I read a review or two, and something about having the approximate horsepower of a Boeing 747 on a 550lb bike turns me on -- I can't think of anywhere that I could go 180miles per hour...but the exciting thing is that I COULD go 180mph ANYwhere!

When I got home, I had to take the trash out to the road, and I rubbed past my old XS650 a few times, so I clenched my sphincter, and threw my leg over its frigid seat. I'll say, 70's bikes sit so totally different. On almost every bike at the dealer, I felt like I was "in" the bike...the tanks are higher than the seat, there's a windshield, etc. On my bike, like most 70's bikes, it's all below you...the seat is flat, the tank's at the same height as the seat, the bars are low -- it makes the bike feel small under me. What I was reminded of, though, was that my old XS still feels "right," just like the first day I sat on it. I stretch my hands out, and the bars are right where they should be.

I think that's why I really haven't had a concrete urge to start modifying my old bike. I mean, I conceptually would like to change the pipes, and replace the bars with some low clipons, and try to rearset the pegs, and in general try to make it a cafe racer -- I'm pretty sure it'd look cooler, but I'm afraid that I'd get done, and sit on the finished product and go "ew, I don't like it." I'm afraid I'd go and mess with it, and end up ruining what I like about my bike.

Maybe I need to go find a CB360 to mess with. Yeah, my wife'll go for that....sure!!

I had a guy ride past me on a ZX-14 last week. Bike didnt make a sound.And its GOVERNED at 189. Ya know with new exhaust, intake, and PowerCommander that bike will probably run close to 250. Im pretty sure you should probably get one.