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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a
FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK! , I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...

"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached!

An older priest goes fishing. On the last day of his trip, the priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Beatch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Beatch fish!"

"Really? Well, then, help me land this Son of a Beatch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Beatch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Beatch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Beatch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Beatch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Beatch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Beatch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Beatch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Beatch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Beatch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Beatch for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no! no, it's called a Son of a Beatch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
that Son of a Beatch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Beatch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Beatch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Beatch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Beatch, using a special
recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You mother fu**ers are my kind of people."

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the
money--fifty-thousand pounds.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two Policemen men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first Policeman turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

A fleeing al-Qaida guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only 5 shekels."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, BUT I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about five kilometers, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse -

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands".

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you..".

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".

I read the third joke, and it reminded me of the trifle bazaar one... Then low and behold, the 4th joke

the son of a "dog" one was my favorite

whats with this preoccupation with dying in the desert?

NorthernPete wrote:whats with this preoccupation with dying in the desert?

Well having a tea party in the desert with clotted cream, jam, and scones. Doesn't make people want to reach a new location for the joke to begin (a bazaar or item found in the sand)