2005 Darwin Awards

Message

Wizzard · #1 Unread post by **Wizzard** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 3:50 pm

You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are .

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21,
dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach
chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath
5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but
could not reach him. It took escue workers using heavy equipment almost an
hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced
dead at a hospital.

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through
the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into
the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
the triger.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was
also injured, when a quarter-! stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving
around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA- Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and
at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg
and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the
icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham,
is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated
elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and
prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpcted defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "dodo happens!

#2 Unread post by **9000white** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:10 pm

the Franklin Mint should strike a medal in honor of the elephant guy.

#3 Unread post by **ZooTech** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:42 pm

That elephant story is older than me. Nice to see it recycled for like the thousandth time.

#4 Unread post by **9000white** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:51 pm

is it required reading???

jmillheiser · Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:57 pm

the darwin award winner has to be proven true.

They do mention on their site which stories are true and which are hoaxes

Wizzard · #6 Unread post by **Wizzard** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 5:29 pm

Someone in my graphix group sent this in . I did not check the veracity of them because I found them funny none the less .
However Zoo is right about the constapated elephant . It is a Darwin Urban Legend .
And they have not selected the '05 winners yet altho they do have some nominees posted .
Regards, Wizzard

#7 Unread post by **sv-wolf** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 4:58 pm

OK. I have a cousin who is married to a person who will remain nameless for reasons that will become immediately obvious. He is a farm labourer and lives about twenty miles south of Dublin. One afternoon he was sitting up a tree happily sawing off an overhanging branch.

Need I elaborate on this? Result: a sudden demonstration of the power of gravity; a significant impact with mother earth; concussion, a broken arm and a reputation he will never live down.

Moral: choose your end carefully.

Darwin missed on this occasion, but not by much.

oldnslo · #8 Unread post by **oldnslo** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 6:54 pm

I never dreamed that someone would ever actually do that. I hope the purity of your gene pool is only slightly blemished by this event. On the bright side, maybe he gave himself a vasectomy when he fell.

#9 Unread post by **sv-wolf** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:26 am

oldnslo wrote:I never dreamed that someone would ever actually do that. I hope the purity of your gene pool is only slightly blemished by this event. On the bright side, maybe he gave himself a vasectomy when he fell.

The story is sad, but very, very true.

Fortunately, the guy in question is an in-law, not a direct relative. Unfortunately, in the way of Irish Catholic families, he has fathered a small regiment of kids. Naturally, I fear for their future. If their dad weren't a lot bigger than I am (must have been a hell of an impact) I might have recommended the sprogs strictly avoid trees. It does rather reflect on my cousin's powers of discrimination though. In other ways she's a pretty bright lass.

Let's just hope that the effective gene has some compensatory evolutionary value - like enabling him to withstand ridicule.

#10 Unread post by **ZooTech** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 6:48 am

sv-wolf wrote:OK. I have a cousin who is married to a person who will remain nameless for reasons that will become immediately obvious. He is a farm labourer and lives about twenty miles south of Dublin. One afternoon he was sitting up a tree happily sawing off an overhanging branch.

Need I elaborate on this? Result: a sudden demonstration of the power of gravity; a significant impact with mother earth; concussion, a broken arm and a reputation he will never live down.

Moral: choose your end carefully.

Darwin missed on this occasion, but not by much.

That story is bullcrap!!! I've seen that pruning method work on Roadrunner cartoons and on Tom & Jerry hundreds of times.