Lawyer Jokes...

[liablemtl]

Q: Why are lawyers' brains so expensive?

A: It takes so many to make an ounce.


Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?

A: Your honor.


Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

A. Accountants know they're boring.


Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?

A: An impossibility.


Q: Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle?

A: That bicycle might be yours!


Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.


Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?

A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a wheelbarrow full of "poo poo"?

A: The wheelbarrow.


Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?

A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.


Q: When will you see a pole with a worm at both ends?

A: When you go fishing with a lawyer.


Q: What do you call a dozen sky-diving lawyers?

A: Skeet.


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?


Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?

A. To sue the chicken on the other side.


Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?

A. New Jersey got to choose.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

A: The diphthong.


Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.


Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?

A: About five pounds, including the urn.


Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?

A: Cut the rope.


Q: How do you prevent a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.


Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.


Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.


Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?

A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.


Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?

A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.


Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy.


Q. Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?

A. Even hyenas have their dignity.


Q. What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?

A. Stick his bill up his "O Ring".


A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.

"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend.

"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"


The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."


Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bulldog?

A. A bulldog generally has enough sense to let go.


Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.


One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollars," the shopkeeper replied. "One hundred dollars with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You've come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."

[BuzZz]

Hey, that's mean.

Pickin' on the poor lawyers like that.... tsk, tsk.... snicker, snicker.... bwaahaaa......

But pretty dam funny....

[mydlyfkryzis]

Need to add "Lawyer riding a Harley" to those jokes. Then they are funnier!