The Chili Contest

[Psycluded]

A bit long, and probably one many have seen before, but I can't help but laugh at this one. Apologies for the auto-replaced words, and for those that weren't, if you're easily offended:

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Notes from an inexperienced chili taster Named AARON, who was visiting
Louisiana from the Up North somewhere.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in
Louisiana, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when they told me how famous I was. The other two judges (Native
Louisianans) assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster

Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

AARON: Holy "poo poo", what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Louisiana people are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner

Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

AARON: Keep this "poo poo" out of reach of children! I'm not sure what the hell
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3
extra beers when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn

Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

AARON: Call the "bloody" EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting drunk.


Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

AARON: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300lb. "dog" is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

AARON: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To
hell with them Rednecks!


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: This is the best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

AARON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Big Sally. I need
to wipe my butt with a snow cone!


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation

Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

AARON: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like "poo poo" to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. The hell with it - I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself, yelling something about needing
an asbestos "O Ring". Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

AARON: Aunt Louise? Is that you? You want me to what - come towards the
bright light? I think this is it for me. Sally, I want you to apologize to
our children that I wasn't alive to conceive them. I feel like I'm
floating...floating...

[SuperRookie]

omfg...I'm f'n cryin ova here